The Cup Approacheth

17 days to the start of the 2006 World Cup. 17 days!!! Have to repeat it to let it sink in. I had the extreme privilege of attending the 2002 Cup in Japan, and it doesn't seem all that long ago. Originally, my plan was to make it over to Germany and thus chalk up two World Cup trips in a row. Alas, twas not to be. South Africa 2010 here I come; or at least Brazil 2014. I should have a job by then to finance the whole affair. Barring that I'll settle for Mars 2066, the 100 year anniversary of England's famous triumph. Even though I can't be there physically, I intend to cherish this year's cup by being a complete psychopath and watching all 64 matches on tv. Sure my eyes may bleed as I watch Togo take on Switzerland, but it's got to be done. Without further ado, I offer my own guide to the teams vying for sports' ultimate prize.

GROUP A

Germany

Where better to start than with the teutonic hosts, arguably the finest footballing nation not named Brazil. Ze Germans have won the whole thing 3 times, the last victory coming in 1990 over Diego Maradona's Argentina in an ugly final. If omens mean anything, they won the only other time they hosted, in 1974, by beating a much fancied Dutch side. Will history repeat itself? Probably not. Put simply, these lads aren't very skilled. Michael Ballack is probably their only world-class outfield player, along with Oliver Kahn and Jens Lehmann in goal. Kahn was a veritable wall in the 2002 cup(though I did see Robbie Keane sneak one past him in the flesh, 91st minute I think it was, oh the euhporia). Despite this, he recently lost his starting spot to Arsenal's Lehmann, who recently shored up the most impressive defense in Champions League history. That is until he rugby tackled Samuel Eto and got sent off, thus gifting Barca the trophy. But I digress. Let's have a look at the squad. Deutschland has gotta......................WINNNNNNNNNNN!

There they are , looking very German. Who's the black fellow you ask? That's Asamoah, a naturalized Nigerian. Not sure why Oliver Kahn(lower r.) is screaming his lungs out. Let's get the lowdown on this bunch:

World Cup Pedigree: Superb. 1st in 54, 74, and 90. Have been in 6 0f the last 10 finals.

Country's contributions to history: Some really great classical composers, engineers, and a couple of nasty wars.

Best Player: Michael Ballack, by a mile. Talismanic midfielder recently signed with Chelsea's cash machine. An all-around clever player who can really influence a game.

Strengths: All-action approach can really frustrate opponents. Coach Klinsmann has emphasized speed, and any German squad is guaranteed to go all-out for 90 minutes. Also clinical in front of goal, especially on set pieces.

Weaknesses: Outside of Ballack, nobody has much skill on the ball.

Entertainment Value(1-10): 5 Home crowd should be raucous, but ze Germans are notorious for boring football.

Expectations: 80 million Germans whine about how much they suck, but they secretly think they have a good shot.

The prognosis: Should cruise through their group, but probably lack the skill to take home the trophy. Recently ran riot against a second-string USA squad in a friendly, though Klinsmann is public enemy number 1 in Deutschland for his hands-off managerial approach. Wouldn't bet against them though. The 2002 outfit looked shite on paper, and much of the time on grass, but still made the finals. As USA coach Bruce Arena noted after Germany knocked his squad out in 2002: "Even when they don't play well, they can still beat you."

Costa Rica

The ticos barely qualified from the unimpressive Concacaf zone, where USA and Mexico are perennial giants. Nevertheless, Brazilian coach Guimaraes, who guided them to qualification in 02, will look to marry sound tactics to his players' free-flowing ball skills.

World Cup Pedigree: 2nd round in 1990 debut after upsets of Sweden and Scotland. Missed out on 2nd round in 02 thanks to Turkey's superior goal differential. Mierda!

Country's historical significance: Pretty girls on Spanish channel

Best Player: Paulo Wanchope. Premier League fans are familiar with this goal machine. Will retire from international play after this tournament, so is eager for a nice sendoff.

Strengths: Traditional Latin American flair makes for an exciting offense.

Weaknesses: Traditional Latin American flair makes for a shitty defense.

Entertainment Value: 8. Fun to watch, as anyone who say the 5-3 game against Brazil in WC 02 can attest.

Expectations: Costa Ricans are passionate fans, but they would be thrilled with a second round berth.

The Prognosis: In with a very real chance for 2nd round qualification, and then back to the airport. Need to come out strong in the opening match against Germany, a la Senegal against France in 02. That upset gave Senegal momentum that they rode all the way to the quarterfinals. Et tu, Costa Rica?

Give us the ball or we'll cut you, homes!